|
|
This show is sooo stupid it makes Honey Boo-Boo and the Kardashians look like Nobel Prize candidates.
Where to start with that disaster?
Well it's 1890 and some "Order of the Dragon" killed Dracula's wife a hundred years ago (why?) - but they didn't kill Dracula although they did get him too (why? why? why?).
Somehow these vampire hunters don't actually kill vampires but burn their spouses instead - what a really smart plan (duh).
And in their wisdom these clever vampire hunters don't stake and behead Dracula but bury him in an "iron coffin" and conveniently leave a big hole in that coffin so he can be resurrected a hundred years later by Van Helsing (!) who is dripping human blood through that very hole.
All the people who killed Dracula's wife a hundred years ago are long gone but nevertheless he is being convinced by his savior Van Helsing that it is a good idea to destroy the Order of the Dragon now because... well, uh, hmmm?
Yes, why is that?
Ah, yes, it's because although Van Helsing isn't a vampire, the Order of the Dragon for some reason killed his wife and also his kids while they were at it and he needs a dangerous monster like Dracula to avenge them.
Of course, Transylvanian Dracula speaks and understands English perfectly fine and instantly agrees to a master plan of Van Helsing to do so - right there in the dark tomb where he has been resurrected after a hundred years.
And that's the great master plan of Van Helsing the genius:
Dracula has to go to the United States get incredible rich (somehow) and invent something as easy as transferring energy without wires (child's play).
With his riches and his invention he has to go to London after ten years and bankrupt The Order of the Dragon there because they are not only in the business of hunting vampires but they are also coal and oil tycoons.
And of course Dracula the wonder boy really manages to get filthy rich in the USA and invents just the right technology to bankrupt The Order of the Dragon.
However, Dracula doesn't always stick to this "master plan" (I wonder why) back in London and kills some of the members of the Order of the Dragon right away. (Perhaps he got fed up with the stupid screen play.)
"Hmmm, who could have killed our members?" the Order of the Dragon wonders. "Perhaps it's that new rich guy in town who tries to take over our company?"
"No", the Order of the Dragon says, "although everybody dies who stands in his way and he looks exactly like the Dracula whose picture we have in our archive, he surely just is some nice fellow who just happens to dislike sunlight and who only goes out at night and is constantly being seen with that that Van Helsing fellow. You know, Van Helsing, the bloke who lives near by and whose wife and kids we killed for SOME REASON although he isn't a vampire - ooops sorry mate. No hard feelings eh?"
I give up.
This is the worst piece of television I have ever seen.
Either everybody involved got a wooden stake in their brains or they really spent all their money on set design and got their script on the cheap from one of the many guys sitting around Starbucks pretending to write a screen play.
Even if you like watching Ed Wood movies or really, really bad television just for fun this one isn't for you.
It isn't even that kind of weird "bad" that it's somehow good in its own quirky way - it is just really bad and it gets worse every minute you watch it.
My favorite of the many, many stupid lines go something like this:
Renfield: "Master, why don't you just compel Mina, that would be much easier. It's in your power."
Dracula: "No, Renfield, I can't do that, because that would be evil and I am evil."
Where is Ed Wood when you need him?
score 1/10
Shizuka2008 2 November 2013
Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw2898136/ |
|
22-11-2019 09:30:51
