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The first episode of Bitten, the highly hyped and long awaited Canadian television series, opens with Elena wrapping her legs around Philip in bed. Elena is about to climax, but then stops, gets bitchy and tells Philip she just remembered she was supposed to be at a nude photo shoot at midnight with some friends in the woods. She promises to make it up to him.
Next we find Elena walking through the streets of Toronto with some edgy Toronto music sound track. Maybe the music turns Elena on, because she gets to take her clothes off twice before the credits stop rolling. Then Elena becomes a werewolf.
Meanwhile in a cool Toronto bar, a hot chick is coming on to a guy looking to get laid. The chick and guy talk about back story so we don't get confused later on when the script goes off the rails.
The horny chick invites the dude back to her place, but he rejects her because he's tired of getting dumped by woman who are unavailable to men. Cut to a wolf dragging her body away.
In the morning, Elena is back in her scantily clad human form bringing Philip coffee. After a full breakfast, she finishes banging him in gymnastic morning sex. Cue the super-cool to hip Toronto music soundtrack.
They both go to their jobs. She's a photographer who never takes photos and Philip stands around in a bath towel and flexing his abs into a mirror.
We cut to a group of handsome academics who know Elena to establish that Elena is smart. Later, in a meeting with her friend\therapist she confesses she needs more sex than once a month or she's going to turn into a monster, but the therapist thinks she's just talking in metaphor and hopes he can get some tail. Instead he is pushes into the friend's zone.
There are a lot of scenes with Elena being super bright, witty and adored. She hangs out with a lot of people, and shops without much enthusiasm. Maybe she's on anti-depressants.
Cut to a hunter and his dog who just happen to find the mauled body on a large expanse of heavily wooded forest. The cops are predictably stupid and have no theory.
Cut to a group of bare chested hunks in a wolf type fraternity, their hair is "perfect". They mumble a lot and the sound track is so loud we miss a lot of expository buddy talk and towel snapping.
We get the idea they must work out together. It seems that two of the guys, Clay and Jeremy, miss having sex with Elena. They do a lot of explaining about what's already in the book. They come to the conclusion that everybody in the pack has had a go with Elena and want her to return to their lair.
After all, it's been more than a year and the guys, well, you know, miss her. They text her and tell her they need her. "Come home, you're our best tracker." Elena says "Ok."
Soon, Elena has told everybody in Toronto she's going back home except Philip. He says he'll wait for her and they can get married. Elena then goes shopping, meeting cool people and stuff.
Cut to: Elena at a hotel where she beats up a guy who came on to her. She brushes herself off and explains to everyone that she's into UFC cage fighting.
Back at the Man Cave frat house, the guys are getting restless waiting for Elena's return.
Elena buys lots of things but only carries a small hand bag for a long trip, and Philip remains clueless. When she finally tells him she has to go be with her sick cousin Philip remembers Elena saying she had no family. She tells Philip she was too embarrassed to have him meet her family.
Before she leaves she tells her therapist she feels guilty about lying to Philip all the time. Then a coyote jumps the therapist for no reason other than to wake up the audience. Elena goes all Viking on the coyote to show her prowess. There is some more talk so we can figure where we were before we were distracted by some aimless plotting.
Eventually,Elena arrives in her small town. Strange that the dudes who were all hot for her return don't fetch her in a car, so she has to take a taxi to the gigantic house. She tells the taxi driver to stop outside the gate. She gets out and starts walking and she has a long way to go when she sniffs something rotten.
One of the guys she knows (they all look the same, can't tell them apart) comes out of nowhere and we get a sense they have a history -- Elena has a history with every guy in the house -- and she's not a bit happy about seeing him.
Cut to a slummy apartment where the same guy Elena beat up in the Toronto bar has a woman in bed. He goes to the toilet and is making a lot of noise in there, but the girl decides to open the door. Then the first episode runs out of words.
score 1/10
michael-shandrick 15 January 2014
Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw2942694/ |
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22-11-2019 09:24:50
