Why was this movie made?

vyse540

I'm going to start by saying that I entered Blockbuster with a group of friends, looking for a terrible horror movie so we could laugh at it's terrible acting and mediocre special effects. Unfortunately, Blood Dolls wasn't even a movie terrible enough to laugh at. If you want a terrible horror movie but still want to be entertained, check out my personal favorites 'Rodentz' and 'Screaming Dead'.

Anyway, the movie starts out with two business consultants who enter this crazed billionaire's house who somehow manages to cage a female-rock band, control the band with a pirate-midget, and attend to your every need with a butler who paints his face to look like a stupid clown. Did I mention this clown's name is Mr. Mascaro? So, these business consultants enter this mansion and here, the director slips in a cheap scene of brief nudity, where one of the ho's in the rock band flashes an unsuspecting business consultant. Apparently, they did things to anger this billionaire (Who mysteriously wears a mask because he has a shrunken head, which is never explained. How the hell can he breath in that mask, anyway?). Since the billionaire is angry with these two consultants, he drills through the first's chest and electrocutes the second into a Blood Doll. However the hell he did that.

Not much happens until some weak guy with a lame laugh is introduced, along with his mistress wife. He's pretty much a fairy and nobody likes him.

Moving on..the shrunken head billionaire (Who I'll call Southern Shrunk-Head from now on because of his annoying Southern accent) orders some Chinese food (the box of food is tiny too, to match his tiny head) and gets angered at this one security guard because the electricity goes out. So he gets his Blood Dolls to go kill him with a miniature knife and a dumb-bell. This is particularly hilarious because the dolt just sits there as a puppet pokes at his foot with a freaking toothpick until he falls down, at which point a big fat Blood Doll pushes a dumb-bell off a coffee table, killing him. In the mean time, an electrician arrives to solve the electricity problem. Too bad he's evil (he strangles a security guard with some wire), but it doesn't matter because the Uncle Sam Blood Doll throws his toothpick knife in his eye which immediately kills him. The electrician had the best quote in the movie though, which is right after he strangled that security guard. "There are two kind of people in this world...people who pee their pants after getting strangled, and people who don't." He then promptly checks the dead security guard for urine.

The humor dies down at this point, but that fairy with the mistress wife gets killed in some S&M trap (by the Blood Dolls, I might add) WHILE HIS OWN WIFE SUPERVISES OVER HIS DEATH. Then the mistress falls for Southern Shrunk-Head, and Mr. Mascaro turns from a strange butler turned clown turned professional priest (he becomes the priest and marries Southern Shrunk-Head and the mistress.) Shortly after a stupid ending, in which a midget flies across the room, Mr. Mascaro comes onto the screen and announces he particularly didn't enjoy that ending and thus an alternate ending comes up. In this even-stupider ending, even after the mistress finds out that Southern Shrunk-Head has an extremely small head, she declares her love for him. Too bad Mr. Mascaro and Southern Shrunk-Head kill her anyway.

This is a terrible movie and is not even funny. Don't see Blood Dolls.

score 1/10

vyse540 21 July 2005

Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw1132026/