Er... wha.... what?!

neilsgoddard

score 1/10

There aren't many people who shouldn't be insulted by this film; Satanists, musicians, free spirits, movie-lovers, hoteliers, van owners, the sighted, people who can hear, goth trolls… the list is seemingly endless. Films like this can often make ALL films seem slightly worse just by association, even unrelated films from a different genre. Honestly, Steel Magnolias is a worse film because of Satanic.

The script is terrible, the acting is terrible, the effects are terrible, the soundtrack is terrible, just everything is terrible. The Satanists in it are badly written and obvious, the goths in it are self-consciously irritating and aren't believable, the 'straights' are alarmingly dull, and the weird chick who joins them is just weird 101 and annoying.

Seriously, who writes characters like this and expects anyone to give a damn if they live or (hopefully) die? Ten minutes into the film and these try hard douche bags couldn't have died hard or fast enough for my liking. My finger hovered over the stop button (actually, that's a lie, I watched in on Netflix on my phone so, technically, my finger hovered over the back button) but I decided to persevere just to see if this mammoth example of all around ineptitude would falter and a single shard of worthiness could be glimpsed, like illuminated bat urine in a dark cave. But no, every single overplayed horror movie cliché was thrown into the mix, probably with the thought that, "Hey, if we throw in EVERYTHING people have already seen in other movies… how can horror fans not like it!"

So, with a movie that isn't really based on a good or original idea, and no one really committed to making it in any way even approaching below average, how could it end in a way other than totally pointless and meaningless, but with the attitude that its completely f*cked up and hard-core. It's not, it's pathetic and annoying. Anthony Jaswinski is credited with writing this excrement and he should be ashamed of himself for letting this get past merely an idea on a piece of paper. If someone is watching this and their finger is hovering over the stop (or back) button, I would advise you to press that button. I would turn off this film and put the news on and watch an article about donkey abuse, just for something more entertaining.

neilsgoddard 12 September 2017

Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw3804162/