Is anyone really this dumb?

darkavenger77

Some people are just too dumb to have children. That's abundantly obvious within the first 15 minutes here. The movie opens with promo for the new "Monolith" vehicle and about how safe it is.

Sandra, who I will give the code name of Dumb Blonde (DB), has a new "Monolith" armored SUV and a questionable relationship with the father of the irritating kid (IK) who is in the backseat and a distraction to DB while she is driving. IK still wears a diaper, but we later learn he is capable of speaking in full sentences such as "I get the phone". She's a modern mom, giving IK an electronic device (her phone) to pacify them (plot giveaway #1). Next, she buys IK a bag of marbles- along with anything he wants (another problem with modern moms), then IK apparently walks thorough a wall to disappear from the store. Despite the door bell never chiming while she was inside, she finds him outside in a vintage Chevy Corvair.

DB was on a short trip to grandma's house, but along the way suspects hubby is fooling around with one of her friends, so it is off to LA w/o even saying hello to granny. It looks like IK is going to swallow a marble, but DB smacks it away from him, which gives us another burst of IK crying. Wanting to avoid the freeway, she turns left onto a dirt path and the navigation system tells her it is 50 miles long. Is anyone really this dumb? To top all of this off, DB is a tobacco user and lights up a cigarette! The Monolith has a tobacco gestapo setting and tries to put a stop to it, so DB goes to manual mode. Thanks to more distracted driving on her part, she hits a deer and it is trapped under the front of the Monolith. Being too dumb to back up off the animal, she gets out, leaving IK with her phone. Needless to say, IK triggers the vault mode and she is locked out! She breaks in to a remote power substation and finds some type of phone. Continuing her dumb streak, she is too dumb to realize she is trying to talk to an automated voice. Returning to the SUV, she tries to break in, but the promo told us it has bulletproof glass. In a Lifetime trademark, she finds herself in jeopardy when a coyote approaches. It was probably a psycho coyote. Shame it was unsuccessful, as ganking someone like DB would improve the gene pool.

We see DB laying on the hood and having a bad dream (viewers of this movie can relate), and she recalls a sign for an airport. She wakes up and finds it is now 90 degrees according to the vehicle display. DB decides to hoof it to the airport. Fortunately, she finds a stream of water. She's now off the trail, but crossing over a small mountain she finds an airliner in the desert. Being too dumb to realize airplanes cannot fly without engines, she eventually realizes it is an inoperable plane and no one else is there. She finally shows some thinking and rolls out some tires onto a convenient pile of wood scraps, using her lighter and the contents of some small liquor bottles to start a fire. She also finds a 5 gallon water bottle and partially fills it from the stream. Upon returning, IK is passed out- of course he would have been long dead due to the heat. DB then tries to activate the tobacco gestapo mode by blowing smoke from a fire into the SUV, but all that does is shut down the fan that had started when the temperature hit 108 degrees. After a round of beating on the SUV with a big wrench, we see IK's head move- he is still alive.

Scene morph. The SUV disappears and we see a Porsche pull up. It is DB and dad, and DB has a new hairstyle. Looks like IK didn't make it, and for some reason DB is not in prison. DB in prison would make a better follow-up Lifetime movie. Oops- just another bad dream, and there are over 25 minutes left. IK's fingers twitch so he is still alive. Coyote is back, and finally decides the dead deer is an easier meal than a live DB.

DB eventually goes into Wonder Woman mode and pushes the SUV over the edge, one of many plot holes here. It's one tough SUV, so she is able to get back inside and drive to the nearest hospital.

Real movie score: 1/10 (higher is better). Lifetime movie score: 8/10 (higher is stupider). It was a 9/10 but the kid was just so irritating I knocked off a point for that.

score 1/10

darkavenger77 22 May 2017

Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw3713691/