Don't go inside, don't open any boxes, don't bathe or use common sense.

metalrage666

Take several uneducated and uncivilised misfits and scripted drama mixed together with the lure of fast cash on what would be largely considered as junk that even the owners couldn't be bothered paying for and you get Storage Wars.

Set primarily in California, we follow these socially inept malcontents from storage locker to storage locker at various Californian facilities. Before they "go inside you need to know the rules", yells the auctioneer - "We'll give you five minutes to look. You can't go inside, you can't open any boxes and whoever has the most money in their pocket can win it. Are you ready??" and of course everyone there, from our eclectic cast to the studio extras making up the remainder of the crowd all yells, "YEEAAAAHHH!!" and we're off.

Our cast try to either feign interest or disinterest to throw off other buyers and it's then a game of trying to "run up" an opposing bidder so they spend more money than necessary. Some buyers have deliberately annoying habits such as Dave Hester and his "Yuuuup" catch-cry everytime he places a bid and he runs down everybody around him. Winners then give us this running tally of what they think this stuff is all worth with comments like "that's a $20 bill there, that's a $75 bill there" and so on. There always seems to be this one unique item located in a hidden area that they have no idea of what it is or what it does yet there's always some nearby expert where they can take this item to give them the low-down on it's history, usage and value.

So yes, it's all fake. It's also dumb and quite irritating once these idiots start bickering over who is the more intelligent at picking which locker to bid on and how much they should logically part with to own it and still try to make a profit on what potentially is inside. There's no science to any of this, neither is it a form of art. It's a gamble pure and simple. Yes you may be able to make assumptions based on what you can see that's not boxed but it's still only a guess. Some of the cast own shops so they buy in order to resell, others are collectors, but few of them seem to have much of an idea on what anything is. I've watched enough episodes to realise that almost none of these neanderthals have any idea on what movie or pop culture stuff or "nerd-stuff" as they call it, can actually be worth. Why is it always a shock to find signed comic books or still packaged action figures worth hundreds or even thousands?

I used to tune in to see what they would find, but the staged antics and moronic behaviour only results in a decreased brain function. I believe that the whole show is a vehicle for showcase the various "expert" professions around California as half of every episode is dedicated to the explanation and subsequent valuing of these surprise finds. Whether or not these items as well as the rest of the goods are actually worth what they say, but just like cocaine, the show is addictive just not in a good way.

score 2/10

metalrage666 3 October 2019

Reprint: https://www.imdb.com/review/rw5158305/